“Dear Leah, how did you make it?”

“Dear Leah, how did you make it?”

How many people does it take, to leave a mark that will last a lifetime on someone.

two?

three?

maybe just one.

As I was riding the train today, I started having setbacks with one of the issues I struggle the most. The idea of “not being enough”

Not making it. Not meeting the standards all the people who are proud of you are expecting. Not being enough of a friend to someone you care about. It goes on and on.
I found it pretty funny. Mostly because, I am willing to believe that someone who I never said a word to, thought I was worthy enough to die for. Someone who basically told me he loved me, didn’t hear me say it back, was still willing to go through this enormous pain just for me. He thought I was worth it.
Yet, someone who does know me, who has seen my love for them, I choose to believe I’m not enough.
It’s hard to live up to those standards.
To live up to the idea that someone saw you in such a precious and unique way.
As I sat on the train I thought of how much I would give up if I could have at least one glimpse of seeing myself in the way He saw me. Maybe my perception of myself would change forever. I would feel worthy.
That’s the thing with us.
That’s why emotions are so annoying even.
We always want to see things. We want a visual. Something we can see to understand.
So then we feel something unexpected or we feel too much too fast, and we feel out of control. We feel weak.
I’ve always been the friend encouraging beauty and telling my friends way too many compliments. But when there’s no one around, do I still feel worthy? unique? enough?
This week in my devotional I ran into one of the Bible characters I used have a grudge on, Leah. I always thought it was horrible that she ruined the love story of a life time between Rachel and Jacob. I just couldn’t believe it. But this time I read it as a 21 yr old and not as a 13-year-old, and it was pretty different.
Leah wasn’t beautiful. The Bible is pretty clear on that. Her father thought the only way he was going to get her married, was by slipping her into a drunk man’s tent.
Ouch.
Then she wakes up to a husband who is clearly not happy she’s the one he ended up with first. And she watches him day after day work even harder for the woman he really loved.
Every time Leah had a son, she would tell herself, “now for sure, my husband will love me”. You’d think by the fourth one she might give up. but no.
How many times have we gone through things and kept on searching for ways to get approval, acceptance, or even love from someone.
I don’t think carrying a baby and giving birth(there were no pain meds back then) was such an easy thing to do. But in the same way we , at least I, tell ourselves “maybe if I do this”, “maybe if I do a little more”.
Here I am, Leah’s #1 hater, now Leah’s #1 fan.
I like how, at one point, which we all get to, she starts realizing that her deeds shouldn’t be aimed at getting love from someone, but rather just giving thanks to God. She starts dedicating the birth of her sons to God, and simply saying thank you, because even while hated, He was still there.

I’ve had a few Jacobs in my life. Whether a boss, a family member, an ex boyfriend, a friend. People who made me feel that I had lost because I wasn’t enough. Because something was wrong with me.
And I let myself believe it. I really did. To the point where it still affects my relationships today.
But I’m ready to change that. I want to see myself as the one who didn’t even say I love you back, who didn’t even answer the texts, who never saw them in person, yet was still worth dying for.
I don’t know what Jesus saw in us. But it was beautiful. and it was big.
It was enough.

The Girl

The Girl

she’s moving.

It’s strange but for some reason I know every single step she takes before she takes it.

I know her thoughts.

I can guess her answers.

I feel so powerful.

From the second she is going to push back a strand of her hair to how she will react to different texts and phone calls.

All I can think of all day is how if only I could tell her to do things differently.

To do things like me.

I know she would like my way of acting better.

In fact once I knew it so well I decided I was going to walk right up to her and tap her should and tell her everything once and for all. She would love me by the end of it.

So the next day I walked straight up to her and as I did I saw her walk exactly towards me and I knew it was meant to be.

We even stretched out our hands at the same time as if waiting for that long-expected touch.

But they never touched.

They never got the chance.

Because at that moment I realized something about my location I had never realized before.

I was trapped inside a mirror.

And I was looking at myself.

Well at someone else but still at myself.

it was me, but at the same time it was someone I didn’t know.

Someone I didn’t control.

She’ll never know as long as I’m trapped inside this mirror that everything could be a different way. That I am who she really is.

That she’s right when she feels she isn’t herself.

Because I am her.

and she is me.

Can’t she see?

What I’ve Learned from Hillsong and the Sweet Cakes By Melissa Trial

What I’ve Learned from Hillsong and the Sweet Cakes By Melissa Trial

In case you didn’t know, recently the owners of a bakery were sued and charged with $135,000 in emotional damages after denying service to a gay couple who wanted them to make their wedding cake.

I was so scared while I read the news about the final hearing. With everything that has been going on regarding the ruling of gay marriage here in the USA and the escalated criticism against the christian church, you start to fear what will happen to your religion. You start to fear that you won’t be able to even tell people you are Christian because it will be ruled as an offensive comment.

We have all been judged and labeled even before we could speak. One of us says he likes to wear a blue shirt, therefore we all do. You no longer have the right to say you like other color shirts too.

But this post isn’t about that. I’m not here to complain about the double standards in social media judgement. Instead, I’m writing because I feel proud. I feel proud of being a Christian when I look at Sweet Cakes by Melissa.

People would think that receiving so many blows would weaken us as a faith group, but I have only seen this community get stronger. Unite.

To see so many people immediately offer financial help and spiritual support to that family was heart warming. We broke a record in fundraising! In the midst of everything we have decided to stand together for what we believe and carry the cross of our brother when they need it. We may be being hit but we keep standing and helping each other out.

I think that’s beautiful.

It makes me feel more in a family of people who I may have never met, but I know will be there for me if I ever find myself in a major battlefield.

Of course in the same way I have noticed this, the world and the media are starting to notice our unity too. And now they are firing back in any way they can.

I’m a part of Hillsong NYC. And boy, oh boy, do I LOVE my church. I have never felt more at home.
I’m sure you got to see on your timeline this month, either a post from the New York Times or from an online christian tabloid, articles about how Hillsong supports gay life styles and questioning the leadership of the church.

The New York Times purposely and very creatively I must say, cut Pastor Brian’s quote so as to leave the position of the church to the imagination. An imagination that was more sided to what they wanted. The tabloid simply did very poor reporting, probably on purpose too.

Anyways, it was a bit sad to see how quick people were to believe what the media said, to criticize and judge a part of our body as a church without questioning what they were reading. It scares me that someone could lie about an action of mine, and  that the people I call family would turn their backs on me before hearing my side.

I love my church and I love my pastor’s answer. I also understand that it’s easy sometimes to fall for the media. As a journalist and advertiser I am pretty much trained to be able to manipulate your mind and not tell you exactly what to think but to tell you what to think about.

Lets try to keep in mind that this is a time where the world is really going to try to tear what is left of us apart. And we can either choose to show them how united we are, or how easy we turn against each other. While at the same time showing the love we are meant to show those around us.

I love my global Christian family. That love leads me to believe the best of us. That in this time of trials we will become stronger, because that is what Love is.

Love is strong.

With coffee and sugar,

K

Afternoon Office Scribbles

Change is hard.

Specially when the change is about yourself.

When you realize that, some parts of you aren’t exactly the best. Hey, we’re not perfect, but there is always room for improvement. I’ve met a lot of people in my life lately who motivate me to want to change those parts. They don’t ask me to change, but it’s rather a personal decision because I value them that way. Plus being fully aware that you’re not always the nicest person in the crowd.

What gets tough is when you realize that you’re not going to change overnight. That you won’t just wake up and you’ll be that person you want to be.

You realize things take time. And that is SO frustrating. lol.

I’m not perfect.

I probably never will be.

But, I’m present. And supportive. And caring.

That’s pretty much all there is.

But if you stay around long enough, you realize I might be worth it.

I’m sure this applies to almost everyone who is reading this and actually felt identified.

Have a great day,

K

Uncertainly Beautiful

Uncertainly Beautiful

Currently listening to: If I Lose Myself by One Republic (Alesso Remix of couuuurse.)

Note:

Totally inspired by the latest Vampire Diaries episode.
Why are those shows so good. Also snowed in at the moment and on a new diet that doesn’t let me indulge in my desire to sit on the couch and eat cookies for hours. So why not diverge my hunger into writing? Here’s some random thoughts from after watching the show: 

I’m used to everything being clear.

To knowing exactly what will happen in the future. To feeling safe.

So when I suddenly had no idea what could come out of something, It was pretty scary.

I told myself, “maybe that shows it’s not meant to be”

Since I always know, and I usually feel safe, and with this I don’t. Maybe it’s not meant to happen.

But then I thought,

what if all things beautiful don’t come from certainty of the future. Some sure do, but some don’t.

If the fact that you have no idea what can come out of something, is what makes it absolutely worth diving into.

Because in the end, you do know what can come out of it. What already is coming out of it.

It’s what makes it beautiful. It’s uncertainly beautiful.

-K

it is still

it is still

Poetry Fridays

In the deepest part of the woods

where the sunlight barely hits the flowers

yet somehow they still grow

Where you close your eyes to hear the speaking silence

and the wind writes down its verses as it blows

Hidden in a hollow of the prettiest leaves

That is where my heart lies.

Not hidden, but held.

because though my mind is chaos

and my skin is scarred

my heart is still.

for it’s held by a love that transforms the strangest places into the most enchanted.

and it’s been taught that even when our beats are silent, they are still heard.