How many people does it take, to leave a mark that will last a lifetime on someone.
maybe just one.
As I was riding the train today, I started having setbacks with one of the issues I struggle the most. The idea of “not being enough”
Not making it. Not meeting the standards all the people who are proud of you are expecting. Not being enough of a friend to someone you care about. It goes on and on.
I found it pretty funny. Mostly because, I am willing to believe that someone who I never said a word to, thought I was worthy enough to die for. Someone who basically told me he loved me, didn’t hear me say it back, was still willing to go through this enormous pain just for me. He thought I was worth it.
Yet, someone who does know me, who has seen my love for them, I choose to believe I’m not enough.
It’s hard to live up to those standards.
To live up to the idea that someone saw you in such a precious and unique way.
As I sat on the train I thought of how much I would give up if I could have at least one glimpse of seeing myself in the way He saw me. Maybe my perception of myself would change forever. I would feel worthy.
That’s the thing with us.
That’s why emotions are so annoying even.
We always want to see things. We want a visual. Something we can see to understand.
So then we feel something unexpected or we feel too much too fast, and we feel out of control. We feel weak.
I’ve always been the friend encouraging beauty and telling my friends way too many compliments. But when there’s no one around, do I still feel worthy? unique? enough?
This week in my devotional I ran into one of the Bible characters I used have a grudge on, Leah. I always thought it was horrible that she ruined the love story of a life time between Rachel and Jacob. I just couldn’t believe it. But this time I read it as a 21 yr old and not as a 13-year-old, and it was pretty different.
Leah wasn’t beautiful. The Bible is pretty clear on that. Her father thought the only way he was going to get her married, was by slipping her into a drunk man’s tent.
Then she wakes up to a husband who is clearly not happy she’s the one he ended up with first. And she watches him day after day work even harder for the woman he really loved.
Every time Leah had a son, she would tell herself, “now for sure, my husband will love me”. You’d think by the fourth one she might give up. but no.
How many times have we gone through things and kept on searching for ways to get approval, acceptance, or even love from someone.
I don’t think carrying a baby and giving birth(there were no pain meds back then) was such an easy thing to do. But in the same way we , at least I, tell ourselves “maybe if I do this”, “maybe if I do a little more”.
Here I am, Leah’s #1 hater, now Leah’s #1 fan.
I like how, at one point, which we all get to, she starts realizing that her deeds shouldn’t be aimed at getting love from someone, but rather just giving thanks to God. She starts dedicating the birth of her sons to God, and simply saying thank you, because even while hated, He was still there.
I’ve had a few Jacobs in my life. Whether a boss, a family member, an ex boyfriend, a friend. People who made me feel that I had lost because I wasn’t enough. Because something was wrong with me.
And I let myself believe it. I really did. To the point where it still affects my relationships today.
But I’m ready to change that. I want to see myself as the one who didn’t even say I love you back, who didn’t even answer the texts, who never saw them in person, yet was still worth dying for.
I don’t know what Jesus saw in us. But it was beautiful. and it was big.
It was enough.